I had heard through word of mouth that this might eventually be a problem, but I never thought anything of it. Until now.
Dear Lord! Why am I passing gas so much? Somebody make it stop! Aaaghh!
Let's just say that I about killed myself off in bed last night due to some unplanned gas attacks. Too bad I didn't have a generator handy, because there was enough methane created in that room to power an entire city for days. Oh, I couldn't believe what my body was doing to me here! I was putting healthy foods into my body, and what was coming out of my body was anything but healthy. Personally, I don't know how vegans ever get married with all the flatulence that their bodies produce. All I know is that, if I ever want to get a girlfriend, then I have to go back to meat or else she better get some heavy duty nose clips.
Now that I think about it, with all the soy and beans I've been eating lately, it's no wonder my life has suddenly turned into a scene from "Blazin' Saddles." The packages of health food never even bother to mention this side effect from eating their stuff. This is the dirty, dark side to veganism that they never want you to know about. The elimination of milk, eggs and meat from my diet is easy. The smell... oh God, now that's the real challenge. I think I better invest in a month's supply of Beano.
Today's foray into veganism began with a healthy bowl of organic Weetabix cereal complete with (surprise) soy milk! I approached this box of Weetabix with caution. It's a British product, and I don't trust their food. Ever since I lived with a British roommate in Chicago, I've learned that British food does not appeal to the American palate. If you doubt me, give Marmite a try. Then you'll understand.
Anyway, I pulled out two wafers of Weetabix, placed them in the bowl, and then piled a ton of banana slices and blackberries upon it to cover up whatever nasty British taste was about to enter my mouth. I've never seen a cereal disintegrate as quickly before my eyes as Weetabix. Within a minute, my bowl looked like a brown slurry of paper pulp. But looks can be deceiving. Surprisingly, this Weetabix cereal actually tasted good! If you added yogurt to it, it would taste even better. Oh, damn me for not being able to eat yogurt!
For lunch, I took the beans and rice from the previous night, combined them with tomatoes and guacamole I made from a fresh avocado, and put it into a burrito wrap to eat. It tasted great, but my burrito kept having a wardrobe malfunction. Within minutes, my pretty burrito was a tangled mess of leaky beans and rice innards spilling out everywhere (Note to self: a job at Chipotle is not within my future). In addition to the burrito, I took the leafy green stems from sugar beets and steamed them over the stove, and then ate them with vinegar. It wasn't too bad... it tasted an awfully lot like beets and spinach combined.
Luckily for dinner, I was off the hook for cooking. My friend Jennifer invited me to her place and cooked vegan tortillas using a meat substitute made by Yves. And yves, it was very tasty. I also had salad and wine, and took a drink every time the word "Change" was said on TV while watching the returns from the Iowa caucus. After Obama finally gave his victory speech, I was pretty much toast.
Iowa Caucus Fun Fact: Did you know that Dennis Kucinich is a vegan? He sure is! Which makes me wonder if I should jump off this vegan bandwagon starting first thing tomorrow.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Vegan Diaries: Day 2
Well, it was only a matter of time before I figured out what my body was hooked on.
And that would be sweets.
Oh, I'm craving sweets right now. Chocolate, soft drinks, Pop Tarts... all those processed sugars. I wasn't expecting this. I mean, it's only been two days now, and yet I can sense my urge to down a Coke or cram a bag of chocolate chips down my throat. It hasn't gotten to the point where I'm shaking uncontrollably like a smoker going through withdrawal, but I can feel it missing from my routine. I wonder if they have Sugar Patches for people in my situation.
This morning I tried a different cereal with my liquid soy. It was Organic Hemp Plus Granola, brought to me courtesy of the fine folks at Nature's Path. Talk about tasty stuff, this hemp. I could eat it all day. I'm still wondering what the "Plus" part of this cereal is all about... as if "Hemp" wasn't enough to get you to buy this product. If you look at the back of the box, though, it states in bold letters that "Hemp is not marijuana." Oh, great. Now you tell me. I was expecting to have the happiest breakfast of my life here. Now I'm just stuck reading your boring wordy box, telling me multiple times that I won't get high eating this stuff. It's like reading a medical journal on the back of the box.
Which brings me to this simple observation about health products in general: If it has a lot of unpronounceable words printed on the package, it must be healthy. The more words, the healthier. Check out Dr. Bronner's products if you ever get the chance, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
After spending some time online today trying to figure out what vegans actually eat, I made several runs to grocery stores to stock up on supplies. For lunch, I made my very own hummus by blending together garbanzo beans, sesame seeds, garlic, olive oil, red pepper, paprika, and lemon juice from a lemon I picked fresh outside my house (doesn't get any more organic than that). We had a taste test today, comparing Trader Joe's brand hummus to my hummus. Studies showed that 3 out of 3 people preferred my hummus for its "zinginess." Not bad for a guy who didn't even know what hummus was prior to today.
For dinner, I had a salad along with an old vegan staple: beans and rice. I couldn't help but remember that PSA called Beans and Rice from the early 80s that I watched on TV every Saturday morning as a kid. Shoot... I probably saw that cartoon over 200 times. The jingle has been brainwashed permanently into my head. And strangely enough, this is the first time outside of New Orleans that I've actually eaten beans and rice. Who knew that Saturday morning television was trying to turn kids vegan?
And that would be sweets.
Oh, I'm craving sweets right now. Chocolate, soft drinks, Pop Tarts... all those processed sugars. I wasn't expecting this. I mean, it's only been two days now, and yet I can sense my urge to down a Coke or cram a bag of chocolate chips down my throat. It hasn't gotten to the point where I'm shaking uncontrollably like a smoker going through withdrawal, but I can feel it missing from my routine. I wonder if they have Sugar Patches for people in my situation.
This morning I tried a different cereal with my liquid soy. It was Organic Hemp Plus Granola, brought to me courtesy of the fine folks at Nature's Path. Talk about tasty stuff, this hemp. I could eat it all day. I'm still wondering what the "Plus" part of this cereal is all about... as if "Hemp" wasn't enough to get you to buy this product. If you look at the back of the box, though, it states in bold letters that "Hemp is not marijuana." Oh, great. Now you tell me. I was expecting to have the happiest breakfast of my life here. Now I'm just stuck reading your boring wordy box, telling me multiple times that I won't get high eating this stuff. It's like reading a medical journal on the back of the box.
Which brings me to this simple observation about health products in general: If it has a lot of unpronounceable words printed on the package, it must be healthy. The more words, the healthier. Check out Dr. Bronner's products if you ever get the chance, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
After spending some time online today trying to figure out what vegans actually eat, I made several runs to grocery stores to stock up on supplies. For lunch, I made my very own hummus by blending together garbanzo beans, sesame seeds, garlic, olive oil, red pepper, paprika, and lemon juice from a lemon I picked fresh outside my house (doesn't get any more organic than that). We had a taste test today, comparing Trader Joe's brand hummus to my hummus. Studies showed that 3 out of 3 people preferred my hummus for its "zinginess." Not bad for a guy who didn't even know what hummus was prior to today.
For dinner, I had a salad along with an old vegan staple: beans and rice. I couldn't help but remember that PSA called Beans and Rice from the early 80s that I watched on TV every Saturday morning as a kid. Shoot... I probably saw that cartoon over 200 times. The jingle has been brainwashed permanently into my head. And strangely enough, this is the first time outside of New Orleans that I've actually eaten beans and rice. Who knew that Saturday morning television was trying to turn kids vegan?
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Vegan Diaries: Day 1
I woke up with a sense of dread today, knowing what I was about to face for the next 31 days.
No milk.
I always have milk in the morning with my cereal. It's a lifetime tradition for me. Always cereal, and always with milk. Well, today was the reality check on whether or not I was serious about really doing this vegan thing. So unwillingly, I got out my box of high fiber Trader Joe's Organic O's, poured it into a bowl, and then doused it with Trader Joe's Organic Vanilla Soy Milk.
Soy milk. I can't believe I'm drinking soy milk. And how do you milk soy anyway? It just doesn't seem right. A few weeks ago, I finally switched over to organic milk, which was a struggle in itself due to the $6 price tag for just a gallon of the stuff. I was pretty proud of myself for finally switching, and I figured I'd never have to worry about the milk dilemma again.
How wrong I was. Now, staring at me from my bowl of cereal was this "faux" milk that I had to drink. On top of that, it came out of one of those Tetrapak cartons. I had to suffer all summer in Europe drinking warm milk out of a box. I didn't like it one bit. Ugh. Not milk in a box AGAIN. So, with reservations, I ate my cereal and soy milk... and to be honest, it really wasn't that bad. I think the vanilla flavor helps disguise the gag taste of regular soy milk. I envisioned soy milk as tasting like sour wash rags, so I was pleasantly surprised with the results this morning. Looks like I may make it through breakfast after all this month.
Since today was New Year's, most of the natural food stores in town were closed, so I was stuck eating whatever I could find around the house. I typically have a sandwich for lunch, but since that involves bread which uses eggs and milk, I was screwed. I couldn't eat my yogurt, either, which I always have for lunch. Dang. No sandwich. No yogurt. This wasn't looking good at all. And I was so hungry.
I finally found a banana and an orange and devoured them on the spot. I also scrounged around in the freezer and found two Gardenburger Meatless Breakfast Sausage patties. They're made from that TVP stuff... Texturized Vegetable Protein is what they call it. I envisioned a nice tasty Jimmy Dean sausage patty when I first bit into one of these hockey pucks, but it came out tasting more like chewing on that shredded rubber stuff you find below your feet at children's playgrounds. If you look on the Gardenburger box, it's happily emblazoned with the words "Eat Positive," "Heart Positive," and "Sizzlin' Soy"! But I have to say, I couldn't find anything remotely "sizzlin'" about this product, and my heart's positive that these things suck.
After such a disastrous lunch, I was sweating what I would do for dinner. But luckily, I realized that one of my food staples--spaghetti and tomato sauce--was in the clear vegan-wise. Oh, thank you Lord! I consumed my spaghetti meal with some broccoli covered in a vegan butter substitute. This "Natural Buttery Spread" by Earth Balance is pretty tasty stuff. I can't believe it's not butter! I also can't believe everything else it's not: "Non-Hydrogentated," "Non-GMO," "Trans Fat Free," "Lactose Free," "Gluten Free." With all the text they plaster over the tub, it's quite frankly the ugliest package I've ever seen. The only picture on it is Leonardo da Vinci's naked man doing jumping jacks, and that's the last thing I want to see when I buy food at the store. Where are those happy cow pictures when I need them?
No milk.
I always have milk in the morning with my cereal. It's a lifetime tradition for me. Always cereal, and always with milk. Well, today was the reality check on whether or not I was serious about really doing this vegan thing. So unwillingly, I got out my box of high fiber Trader Joe's Organic O's, poured it into a bowl, and then doused it with Trader Joe's Organic Vanilla Soy Milk.
Soy milk. I can't believe I'm drinking soy milk. And how do you milk soy anyway? It just doesn't seem right. A few weeks ago, I finally switched over to organic milk, which was a struggle in itself due to the $6 price tag for just a gallon of the stuff. I was pretty proud of myself for finally switching, and I figured I'd never have to worry about the milk dilemma again.
How wrong I was. Now, staring at me from my bowl of cereal was this "faux" milk that I had to drink. On top of that, it came out of one of those Tetrapak cartons. I had to suffer all summer in Europe drinking warm milk out of a box. I didn't like it one bit. Ugh. Not milk in a box AGAIN. So, with reservations, I ate my cereal and soy milk... and to be honest, it really wasn't that bad. I think the vanilla flavor helps disguise the gag taste of regular soy milk. I envisioned soy milk as tasting like sour wash rags, so I was pleasantly surprised with the results this morning. Looks like I may make it through breakfast after all this month.
Since today was New Year's, most of the natural food stores in town were closed, so I was stuck eating whatever I could find around the house. I typically have a sandwich for lunch, but since that involves bread which uses eggs and milk, I was screwed. I couldn't eat my yogurt, either, which I always have for lunch. Dang. No sandwich. No yogurt. This wasn't looking good at all. And I was so hungry.
I finally found a banana and an orange and devoured them on the spot. I also scrounged around in the freezer and found two Gardenburger Meatless Breakfast Sausage patties. They're made from that TVP stuff... Texturized Vegetable Protein is what they call it. I envisioned a nice tasty Jimmy Dean sausage patty when I first bit into one of these hockey pucks, but it came out tasting more like chewing on that shredded rubber stuff you find below your feet at children's playgrounds. If you look on the Gardenburger box, it's happily emblazoned with the words "Eat Positive," "Heart Positive," and "Sizzlin' Soy"! But I have to say, I couldn't find anything remotely "sizzlin'" about this product, and my heart's positive that these things suck.
After such a disastrous lunch, I was sweating what I would do for dinner. But luckily, I realized that one of my food staples--spaghetti and tomato sauce--was in the clear vegan-wise. Oh, thank you Lord! I consumed my spaghetti meal with some broccoli covered in a vegan butter substitute. This "Natural Buttery Spread" by Earth Balance is pretty tasty stuff. I can't believe it's not butter! I also can't believe everything else it's not: "Non-Hydrogentated," "Non-GMO," "Trans Fat Free," "Lactose Free," "Gluten Free." With all the text they plaster over the tub, it's quite frankly the ugliest package I've ever seen. The only picture on it is Leonardo da Vinci's naked man doing jumping jacks, and that's the last thing I want to see when I buy food at the store. Where are those happy cow pictures when I need them?
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