The Vegan Diaries, Day 3: Gas Attack

I had heard through word of mouth that this might eventually be a problem, but I never thought anything of it. Until now.

Dear Lord! Why am I passing gas so much? Somebody make it stop! Aaaghh!

Let's just say that I about killed myself off in bed last night due to some unplanned gas attacks. Too bad I didn't have a generator handy, because there was enough methane created in that room to power an entire city for days. Oh, I couldn't believe what my body was doing to me here! I was putting healthy foods into my body, and what was coming out of my body was anything but healthy. Personally, I don't know how vegans ever get married with all the flatulence that their bodies produce. All I know is that, if I ever want to get a girlfriend, then I have to go back to meat or else she better get some heavy duty nose clips.

Now that I think about it, with all the soy and beans I've been eating lately, it's no wonder my life has suddenly turned into a scene from "Blazin' Saddles." The packages of health food never even bother to mention this side effect from eating their stuff. This is the dirty, dark side to veganism that they never want you to know about. The elimination of milk, eggs and meat from my diet is easy. The smell... oh God, now that's the real challenge. I think I better invest in a month's supply of Beano.

Today's foray into veganism began with a healthy bowl of organic Weetabix cereal complete with (surprise) soy milk! I approached this box of Weetabix with caution. It's a British product, and I don't trust their food. Ever since I lived with a British roommate in Chicago, I've learned that British food does not appeal to the American palate. If you doubt me, give Marmite a try. Then you'll understand.

Anyway, I pulled out two wafers of Weetabix, placed them in the bowl, and then piled a ton of banana slices and blackberries upon it to cover up whatever nasty British taste was about to enter my mouth. I've never seen a cereal disintegrate as quickly before my eyes as Weetabix. Within a minute, my bowl looked like a brown slurry of paper pulp. But looks can be deceiving. Surprisingly, this Weetabix cereal actually tasted good! If you added yogurt to it, it would taste even better. Oh, damn me for not being able to eat yogurt!

For lunch, I took the beans and rice from the previous night, combined them with tomatoes and guacamole I made from a fresh avocado, and put it into a burrito wrap to eat. It tasted great, but my burrito kept having a wardrobe malfunction. Within minutes, my pretty burrito was a tangled mess of leaky beans and rice innards spilling out everywhere (Note to self: a job at Chipotle is not within my future). In addition to the burrito, I took the leafy green stems from sugar beets and steamed them over the stove, and then ate them with vinegar. It wasn't too bad... it tasted an awfully lot like beets and spinach combined.

Luckily for dinner, I was off the hook for cooking. My friend Jennifer invited me to her place and cooked vegan tortillas using a meat substitute made by Yves. And yves, it was very tasty. I also had salad and wine, and took a drink every time the word "Change" was said on TV while watching the returns from the Iowa caucus. After Obama finally gave his victory speech, I was pretty much toast.

Iowa Caucus Fun Fact: Did you know that Dennis Kucinich is a vegan? He sure is! Which makes me wonder if I should jump off this vegan bandwagon starting first thing tomorrow.