Crate Expectations

Lately, I've been getting pretty good at not driving my car. Most of the errands I have to run can be accomplished by taking my bike into town, which is no sweat off my back. However, there's one activity I haven't been able to ween myself off of using my Honda Accord, and that is buying groceries. Biking to the supermarket isn't a problem...it's literally only a few miles away. The issue is how to go about carrying my groceries back home on a bike, without them spilling all over the road. This has been an enigma that has eluded me for weeks...until now.

Say hello to the future in bicycle delivery technology: the milk crate!

After finding the dusty crate tucked away in the garage, I dusted it off and used three bungee cords to tie it onto the back rack of my bike. Surprisingly, the cords held the crate on tight. I was quite pleased with my sudden innovation. However, after taking a few steps back and looking at my handiwork, I realized that the crate had suddenly dropped the coolness factor of my bike by a factor of 100. No girl in her right mind would want to talk to a guy whose idea of "pimpin' his ride" involved adding something that you'd normally find sitting in a back alley beside a dumpster. Despite what Arnold Schwarzenegger has said about green being "sexy," there was nothing at all sexy about this milk crate. Nothing.

I debated taking the crate off my bike and just starving to preserve my dignity, but the scientist in me wanted to see if it was possible to haul groceries back home on a bike. So, for the sake of science, I swallowed my pride and took off down the road. "Operation Fooder Scooter" had begun.

Instead of going to my typical supermarket—WinCo—I decided to up the sustainability factor and check out one of the organic food stores in town—Chico Natural Foods. These types of stores have always scared me in the past, because I always feel like there's some sort of cult going on, where everyone's rubbing crystals over their bodies to try to get in touch with their inner beings. So I entered the store rather cautiously, looking around every food aisle to make sure some Hare Krishna didn't attack me. I made it safely to the back of the store and found the items I was looking for: a six-pack of beer and some raisins. While inside the store, it didn't seem as scary as I had imagined. They had a wide selection of fruits and vegetables, and lots of grains and nuts you could scoop out from bins. I even found some beer from a brewery in Milwaukee that I used to visit back in the day. Any place that sold beer from Lakefront Brewery is OK in my books.

After paying for my beer and raisins, I went outside to load up my precious cargo into the milk crate. And then suddenly, all my fears of these natural food stores started returning. Out on the sidewalk, there was some strange man giving an even stranger woman a back massage. The woman was wearing a yellow robe-like garment and had a crown of laurels on her head, like she had just gotten back from prancing around in the trees, celebrating Bacchanalia with all the woodland creatures. I didn't want to get sucked into whatever weird vibe was occurring in front of me, so I hightailed it home, being extra careful not to jostle the bottled beer too much.

Overall, "Operation Fooder Scooter" was a resounding success. Both the beer and the raisins made it home unharmed. This experiment proved that it is possible to carry food back home using a bicycle. However, the one issue still remains: how to make food transport by bicycle sexy enough so it doesn't scare off the ladies. Once I find an answer, I'll let you know.