The Vegan Diaries: A Retrospective

Now that my month of veganism is over, I can finally look back and analyze exactly what happened. To be honest, it really wasn't as bad as I was expecting. There were moments early on where I had cravings for certain foods, like soft drinks, sweets, and dairy products. But that only lasted for about two weeks, and after that, all cravings completely disappeared. Shoot... I'm done with veganism, and I still haven't had the hamburger or milkshake I was predicting I'd be jumping all over.

It was actually a weird experience going to a supermarket today, because now I have an unlimited choice of foods to pick from, and it's frightening. I about couldn't handle it today, so I resorted back to buying the "safe" foods I've been living off of for the past month. I feel like Tom Hanks' character from "Cast Away," where, after being on a deserted island for years, I'm resorting back to my old barbaric ways of eating now that I'm back in civilization. Just looking at a frozen pizza or package of hamburger meat sickens me. I don't think I can go back to that stuff after this experiment I just had.

But there will be some foods I'll go back to, like yogurt, cheese, fish, chicken, and eggs. I'll also buy cow milk again, but probably not as much as I used to. Soy milk wasn't as bad as I had first thought, so I'll be adding that to my diet occasionally. I'll also be eating more rice and bean dishes, and I'll definitely be eating more specialty breads. I've been hooked on dipping French-style breads into olive oil lately and eating it, which is something I never did prior to this experiment. And for snacks, I'll probably be eating more healthy foods than I ever did before. I've become so accustomed to eating dried fruits and nuts this month that it seems normal to me now.

So overall, I'll go back to being an omnivore but dabble in vegetarianism every now and then. It was good to try out veganism because it really forced me to think about what I was eating, which is something I've never done before. It really opened my eyes to other foods that are out there, and it made me more conscious of how other people live. But for my active lifestyle, veganism just isn't a good fit for me. I need to be putting certain nutrients in my body that I can only get through certain animal products. I probably lost a few pounds over the past month while trying this experiment out, which isn't a good thing when I'm already skinny to begin with.

Veganism was also socially difficult for me at times, and I really didn't care for that. As I mentioned before, in my home, I have no problem being a vegetarian or vegan, but when I'm outside of it interacting with others, I'm going to be an omnivore to avoid being the odd-man out. Besides, there are a lot of good foods out there in the world to try, and it'd be a wasted life not to experience some of these due to a strict vegan lifestyle.

Well, I guess that wraps it up for "The Vegan Diaries." For all of you out there who've been following along this month, I hope you enjoyed it and it gave you some new insights into a different way of living. I'll be taking a break from blogging for a while to figure out what my next challenge will be. So until next time, you all take good care of yourselves, enjoy life, and eat healthy!

The Vegan Diaries, Day 30: Mission Accomplished

Holy crap. I can't believe it.

I made it 30 days as a vegan.

At midnight tonight, it all comes to an end, and I can go back to living my life as a happy omnivore if I wish. To be honest, I've almost forgotten what it's like to be an omnivore. All the decadent foods I used to crave have now become distant memories. I've become comfortable living on the scant foods I've survived on this past month. I could literally keep going on with this vegan lifestyle if I really wanted.

So now that this experiment is over, what do I do now? Where do I go from here? Do I continue to be a vegan, or do I go back to my crazy omnivore ways? I think I'll sleep on it tonight and evaluate everything tomorrow. I'll let you know what I figure out.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 29: Vegan Wear

After making all these posts this month, I forgot to mention one other critical piece of the vegan puzzle: wearing the proper clothing. This is one area where I have gone astray and fallen off the vegan wagon several times. Just like the food you eat, your clothing is not supposed to be made up of any animal products. Hence, all leather and silk is bad. And you can't wear any of those beaver pelts you have stashed away in the closet, either. Sorry.

Clothing was just one of those things I didn't think much of this month. All my brain power was devoted towards the food portion of veganism, and I totally didn't stop to think that it carried over into things that are non-edible. Besides, if I hadn't worn a leather belt all this month, my pants would have fallen off, which would've been a real tragedy for everyone. In a strange way, veganism actually FORCED me to wear a belt and to support the leather industry. I was stuck in a vegan Catch-22.

Today, I honestly tried to make up for my lapses into leatherism. I started out not wearing a belt and went around barefoot throughout the house. But then I received a call from Obama headquarters to get my butt down to the street corner to hold signs and wave at motorists passing by because the local television crew was stopping by to film us (must be a slow news day in Chico). And it was drizzling outside, and I didn't want to get my running shoes wet. So... I went back to wearing my leather boots.

I know, I know. I'm not a worthy vegan. I should be wearing hemp everything and spend my entire existence looking like a bum. There's nothing stylish about being a vegan, which is not a great selling point if you really want to recruit new folks.

This vegan lifestyle is way too complicated. Maybe I'll just give up on clothing altogether and sit around my house naked. Oh, wait now... I just realized that the recliner I'm sitting in is made of leather as well.

Dang it.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 28: Almost There

Two more days of this experiment and it's over.

Vanilla milkshake, here I come.

I realized tonight that I had a plethora of vegan provisions in my cabinets that needed to be cleared out. I've got lots of rice and beans, and a box of couscous hanging around. So I decided to use it to make some tabouleh for the first time, which turned out pretty good. I also made a pot of rice, but something must have gone awry. It turned into a nasty crunchy paste, perfect for sticking up wallpaper. So I ended up adding the rice to my ever expanding compost pile and resorted to eating pinto beans instead.

Good ol' pinto beans... the gift that keeps on giving.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 27: A Big Bunch of Nothing

No vegan news worth commenting upon today, folks. Sorry. I'll try to make up for it tomorrow by eating some twigs and bark outside.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 26: Barack-O-Rama

Saturday was a whirlwind day devoted to all things Obama. From 10 am to 6 pm, I was helping make 100,000 calls to voters throughout all of California. I called 27 people... just a hair shy of the 100,000 mark. But California overall did reach its 100,000 call goal, thus setting a new world record for making the most annoying political calls in one day.

I was concerned that the Seven Deadly Sins of Veganism might be present at the phone banking party: fried chicken, doughnuts, pizza, cheese, more pizza, cake, and ice cream. However, someone must have been looking out for me, because almost every consumable present at the party was vegan-safe. There were tangerines, nuts, chips and salsa, carrots, and V8 juice. I couldn't believe it. I downed two cups of V8 and gorged myself on nuts the entire time, then made a few peanut butter sandwiches from supplies I smuggled in. Another vegan crisis averted.

That evening, I attended an Obama party to celebrate his big win in South Carolina. It had a Mardi Gras theme, which concerned me as well since most food for Mardi Gras contains some sort of animal product in it. I happened to find some circles that had been punched out of the centers of slices of bread... they looked pretty safe. One lady got mad that I wasn't eating more, so I told her my dilemma. She then pointed out a plate of sandwiches that were vegan-friendly, containing hummus, carrots, cabbage, and some other unidentifiable stuff. So I took her word for it and loaded up on several of those along with a few beers.

I don't know how the other candidates' parties fare for vegans, but Obama certainly gets my vegan vote.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 25: Corn in the U.S.A.

So my roommate has been raving like a lunatic these past few days about corn. He's been reading "Omnivore's Dilemma" and tells me that corn is present in almost everything we eat. I'll take his word for it, considering I still haven't made it past the introduction of the book (it's been a long wine drinking party).

Anyway, my roommate is reading the labels on everything now and freaking out every time he finds corn: MSG, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, glucose syrup, and on and on and on. But personally, I don't see what the big deal is.

I'm a vegan (at least I am for the next 5 days). I make my own meals using whole foods. I know exactly what's being put into my food, and it's not corn. Not to say that there's anything wrong with corn... I love corn to death. But as far as hidden ingredients, there aren't any.

For example, tonight I wanted to make a pizza. I went to the store to buy some pizza dough, but they were all sold out. So, I went home and made my own dough using just yeast, flour, water, salt, and olive oil. That's it. Since my house is so cold, I had to be creative and put the dough above a heating vent on the floor so it would rise, and it worked like a charm. I then threw fresh vegetables on top of it, threw it in the oven, and had an all-natural corn-free pizza.

So, if you don't want to turn into a label-reading neurotic, just make everything using whole foods. It may take you more time to prepare food, but at least you know what you're consuming.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 24: Night at the Movies

Well, this has been a rather depressing evening.

After working out at the gym and nearly passing out after running, I was about ready to throw in the vegan towel. I think the lack of fat and protein-laden foods is screwing with my endurance. I feel like I don't have the energy to do the physical activities I used to, and it's starting to make me spacey in the head. Or it could be the cold I'm recovering from right now... hard to say.

But then I watched a few online videos tonight that vegans/vegetarians have mentioned in the past, and I started to reconsider my thoughts about going back to meat. The first was called Meet Your Meat, and it was produced by the folks at PeTA. It's a propaganda film that shows hidden camera footage of cattle, chickens, pigs and other animals getting abused and slaughtered. I wouldn't recommend it as a date movie. They did a great job at picking Alec Baldwin for the narration. With his intense persuasive voice, you feel like he's going to come and kick your ass if you don't listen to him. Hillary Clinton should use him for some of her attack ads in South Carolina this week.

And as if this evening couldn't get any more depressing, I watched the film Earthlings, which is a 90+ minute documentary on (surprise) more animal torture and murder. Dang... I really must be a glutton for punishment. It drags for the first 10 minutes with excessive exposition and Joaquin Phoenix's lousy narration. It sounds like he just got out of bed and phoned in this performance. But then it starts showing disturbing images similar to the ones in "Meet Your Meat." What affected me the most was the footage of the live dog they throw into the back of a garbage truck, and you see it getting crushed to death. Once again, definitely not a date movie.

So after watching these two depressing videos, I now feel like I'm going to hell if I ever eat meat again. And I want to eat meat again, because I feel like I need it for proper nutrition. What am I supposed to do now? Is it possible to find meat distributors that slaughter animals humanely? Is there such a thing as humane slaughtering?

After such a depressing evening, I had to end it by watching the Simpson's film Meat and You, starring Troy McClure. Definitely a much happier film than the previous selections.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 23: Vegan Omnibus

I came across this video today that sums up my thoughts exactly about veganism. Definitely check it out.

I also came across two subsets of vegan culture that I'd never heard of before: fruitarians and raw foodists. Fruitarians will not eat plants that end up being destroyed if they are consumed. For example, eating an apple is acceptable because the apple tree isn't destroyed, but eating an onion is unacceptable since you have to destroy the entire onion plant to eat it. And then there are raw foodists who (surprise!) only eat raw food. They forbid cooking since it removes many of the natural enzymes.

Personally, I think going vegan is extreme enough. Why make eating even more difficult for yourself? Besides, do you really want to tell people you're a "fruitarian" or "raw foodist?" You might as well hang a big "Kick Me" sign around your neck.

This morning, I tried some Rice Milk on my Weetabix for the first time. It wasn't my favorite, but it's not terrible. It's like drinking slightly sweetened water that has the same cloudy appearance as skim milk. Now I'm starting to wonder if there's anything they CAN'T extract milk from. What's next? Corn milk? (Please don't tell me there IS a corn milk. I think I might die.)

I also cooked raw beets for the first time tonight. I kept thinking my hands were bleeding while cutting them, but it was just the beet juice staining everything. I made a Harvard Beet recipe by adding vinegar, sugar, and some raisins, and they turned out really good. People have warned me that I'll be peeing pink now since I ate some beets. Wow... veganism doesn't get any more exciting than that.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 22: Hungry for Change

I've finally figured out my problem.

Barack Obama is making me skinny.

It seems like anytime I try to help the guy out with his campaign, I end up not eating. Tonight, I had to rush over to Obama Headquarters because there was someone from the local television station filming us making phone calls. I didn't have time to eat a big meal, so I brought some dried fruit and a new item I wanted to try: soy yogurt. I was quite pleased with Trader Joe's strawberry soy yogurt... it tasted very close to regular dairy yogurt. However, it wasn't nearly enough to keep me filled, so when I came home tonight, I force-fed myself beans and spaghetti to stay alive.

I'm OK now. I don't think I'll die.

GRITS UPDATE! Today I had the official "Grits-Off" to see which brand of grits was the hands-down winner. I first tried Trader Joe's Grits, which suspiciously came precooked in a tube, similar to how sausage and hamburger meat are packaged. I squeezed it out into a bowl, but it was so congealed that it wouldn't flatten out, even after chopping it up and heating it in the microwave. Grits should be slightly on the runny side, not solid slabs of white rubbery goo. It affected its taste, which was average at best.

I then tried the generic store brand version of grits that I purchased at WinCo. I made it the traditional way by cooking it over the stove, and boy howdy, it made all the difference. They were spectacular! Which goes to show you that you can't always improve on how some foods are made. Sometimes you just have to do things the old fashioned way.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 21: Wardrobe Malfunction

My pants are starting to fall off.

This is not good.

I obviously didn't get enough calories in me these past few days while running around Nevada helping with the Obama campaign. Now I'm starting to look like this guy... minus the banjo, of course. Well, maybe I should look on the bright side... with my pants dragging off of my ass, maybe I'll fit in with all the kids now days.

I better start getting more food in me or I'll fade away like Karen Carpenter. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen with this vegan experiment, and it's happening. I figured with all the carbs I was eating from fruits and breads, I would have actually gained weight. That Dr. Atkins didn't know what he was talking about.

My friend Jennifer felt sorry for me tonight and cooked me a vegan meal consisting of a vegan chicken sandwich and some beans, which were both very delicious. But now I'm hungry again, so I'm going to go forage around in the kitchen and load up on peanut butter. I feel like a cow all the time now, having to graze on food every hour or so. I was not expecting any of this from going vegan.

Well, maybe this "Omnivore's Dilemma" book will shed some light on my situation. I made it through the introduction today, and then skipped straight to the wine drinking. It sounds like it'll be an interesting read, but hopefully it won't scare the crap out of me like that "Fast Food Nation" book did a few years back. I don't like these food paranoia books. When did food become so deadly all of a sudden? I bet it has something to do with 9/11 and the terrorists.

All these books on what I'm supposed to eat remind me of the nutritional programs I had to watch in school as a kid... especially those featuring Slim Goodbody, running around naked in his flesh-colored leotard showing all of his internal body organs to the world. He was quite creepy, and it probably scarred me for life. But he taught me all about the Food Pyramid. If it takes a guy with an afro singing songs about his guts to teach me about proper nutrition, then I guess it was worth it.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 20: Missing Food

Now that I'm back at Vegan Headquarters, I can eat well again and not worry about how other people perceive me. The only problem is, anytime I return from a trip, some of my food mysteriously disappears.

The day before I left, I had bought a giant loaf of Focaccia bread. I had cut off a small sliver to taste it, and it was wonderful. I was thinking happy thoughts about Focaccia all the time in Reno, and couldn't wait to get back to it. When I returned home late last night, I went over to the kitchen counter to make myself a tasty sandwich.

But to my horror, the Focaccia was gone!

I asked my roommates today what happened to the Focaccia, and they said they didn't know... they thought I had taken it with me to Reno. I know for a fact that there was no Focaccia in my bag the entire time, which leads me to suspect that someone isn't fessing up to swiping the Focaccia.

I've got a real Focaccia mystery on my hands here, folks. I checked for evidence in the trash cans, and found no sign of a crumpled bread bag. So the Focaccia consumption had to have occurred off of the local premises. I've ruled out that the two cats in this house had anything to do with it, because the cats don't like bread and they don't have opposable thumbs to haul the bread away. Raccoons, however, are a possibility. Every ten days or so, a pack of raccoons comes around with their creepy little paws and stare at me through the plate glass of the back door. One possibly could have crawled through the cat door and swiped the bread, but that's a stretch. Plus, I've checked the scene of the crime, and found no evidence of little paw prints.

Another possible culprit may have been the minor earthquake that occurred here on Saturday. The force could have been strong enough to throw the Focaccia bread out the window, and birds could have pecked it apart. Or, a giant fissure might have opened up on the kitchen counter, sucking the Focaccia bread into it, and then closed up without a trace.

Looks like I better invest in a padlock to protect all my food. We vegans don't have that much food to eat to begin with, and when someone (or something) takes our food, it's a threat to our survival. Oh, I'll get to the bottom of this Focaccia mystery, and when I do, there will be hell to pay.

The Vegan Diaries, Days 17, 18 and 19: Reno 911

Well, it was just as I feared.

Reno was a vegan death trap.

After spending these past three days spreading Obama's message to the people of Nevada, I had little time to eat. I was knocking on doors and making phone calls to people non-stop, and my stomach just kept growling louder and louder. Luckily, I had packed an emergency kit containing the following vegan staples: peanut butter, bagels, pita bread, apples, oranges, juice, and dried fruit. This saved my hide the entire time in Reno. Without it, I would have been a goner.

For example, on Thursday evening, my friend and I didn't make it back to our hotel in Reno until 9 pm, and the only place nearby that was open was Mel's Drive-In, which is known for its fine selection of tasty animal products that are gastronomically bad for you. So while my friend gleefully ate his juicy, mouth-watering cheeseburger, I ate a plate of fries, the only food inside that entire place that was safe for vegans.

I used to make fun of fry-chomping vegans and vegetarians. Now I was that very object of my own ridicule.

Ain't irony a bitch.

Friday night didn't go any smoother. After working a long day, the Obama staff wanted to treat us all to some pizzas. Then my friend had to blow my cover and blab to everyone how I was a vegan despite my constant threats for him to shut up, thus making the Obama staff really confused about what to do. So I finally just told them to not worry about me and get whatever they wanted. So while everyone was licking their fingers on Kentucky Fried Chicken, I was huddled in the corner eating an orange. However, the staff felt sorry for my situation and bought some corn on the cob for me. I was quite grateful.

This vegan thing isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have to travel. You're constantly having to carry around picnic supplies with you, and people think you're some big weirdo. Earlier in this blog, I mentioned how there are varying levels or degrees of vegetarianism/veganism. For me, I think I will ultimately become a "Home Vegetarian," where I'll try to be a vegetarian when I'm cooking for myself at home. But when it comes to traveling or eating out...I'm living it up, baby!

The Vegan Diaries, Day 16: Brian's Book Club

I've noticed a certain book that's been making the rounds lately. I went home for Christmas, and my sister was reading it. Several friends I know have just bought it. And my roommate, who has never cooked a home meal in his life, bought it on Sunday and was rubbing it in my face that he had it. I don't know what is going on lately... maybe aliens are sending subliminal messages to everyone to buy this book, and before they know it, they'll be sculpting the Devil's Tower out of their mashed potatoes.

So what is this book, you ask. It's called "Omnivore's Dilemma" and it's written by a fellow named Michael Pollan. For two weeks now, I've tried to check this book out from the library, but all 10 copies have always been out...until today. Today, I found a copy, so now I can finally see what cryptic message the aliens are trying to tell us. The cover has some nice looking grapes, an egg, a mushroom, and possibly some sugar cane on it. It's making me hungry just looking at it. My dilemma is whether or not I'm supposed to read this thing or just eat it.

So now that I finally have this book in my tight clutches, I'm starting my own book club today. If Oprah can have a book club, then so can I. You see, Oprah and I are alike in a lot of ways. She's from Chicago... so am I. She's got a media empire... so do I. She doesn't read her books... neither do I. For all you who want to join my exclusive book club, all you have to do is buy the book, and I'll send you a special "B" sticker to put on the front to signify that you're a member. It's that easy!

Now for Monday, your assignment is to read the first four chapters. We'll be discussing them in detail, so I want to hear a report back from each of you as I sit here sipping wine pretending that I read the book. I just love book clubs.

GRITS UPDATE!!!! Good news, everyone! Grits were found at WinCo today! Real hominy grits! Last week when I checked, there were no grits. I guess there was a run on grits while all the storms were going through last week. I also found "gourmet" grits at Trader Joe's yesterday... they're precooked. I'll be having a "Grit-Off" next week to determine who makes the best grits.

I also tried some new foods out today. For breakfast, I finally got rid of that nightmare "Soy Dream" gag water and opened a box of Trader Joe's Chocolate Soy Milk. It is very tasty! I poured it on my granola this morning and have been drinking the stuff all night like it's liquid candy.

For dinner, I made a vegetarian pizza without cheese. I added some dried tomatoes for the first time, and it really made the taste jump out. Olives and spinach also gave it a great taste. I wanted to use pesto sauce for this pizza, but every pesto sauce I've seen has parmesan cheese in it, which is off-limits for vegans. So I had to settle for tomato sauce instead, which was still fine.

These next few days I'll be in Reno working for the Barack Obama campaign. They want me to help "Get Out the Caucus," which sounds like a bad slogan for Ex-Lax. Anyway, I'm packing up a lot of food like a prospector about to head off into the wild. I don't know what vegan dangers await me in Reno, so I'm coming prepared this time. I'll keep you posted on how things go.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 15: In a Nutshell

I miss sweets. Man, I miss them.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 14: Vegan Surprise

Today started out on the wrong foot. I tried something new out for breakfast—corn grits. Now, I like my grits like any other Southerner out there. And I was looking forward to eating these grits for over a week now. But the grits I had this morning were very un-grit worthy. I've been to several stores in Chico and was only able to find grits in the bulk foods aisle. And they were YELLOW corn grits and not the white ones which used to. Hoo-boy. It was quite an ordeal eating these gag-inducing grits, even despite the amount of vegan butter I dumped into them. Guess I should've added ketchup.

The rest of the day didn't get any better. It was more leftovers to finish off, and I felt all spacey in the head while running in the park today, which makes me think I'm still not getting enough calories in me. I think I need a bean I.V. hooked up to my arm at all times.

But everything changed tonight at the Grocery Outlet, the last place I would expect a miracle. The Grocery Outlet is the cheapest supermarket in town. Most of their food is questionable and has expiration dates going back a few years, but every now and then you'll find that diamond in the rough that you just can't believe is there. I found my diamond in the frozen food aisle. There it was, right in front of me: soy ice cream! Oh, how I've been craving ice cream for two weeks now! And they actually had a non-ice cream ice cream that I could eat! For dirt cheap! Oh, hallelujah!

I took home a pint of "It's Soy Delicious" (yes, that's the unbelievably gay name of this product) Vanilla Fudge Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert and put it through the rigors of my own personal Consumer Reports testing. For smoothness, it gets an "Excellent." For smell, it receives another "Excellent." But for taste, however, it only gets an "Average." As a soy dessert, it's probably not bad, but it just can't compete with the real thing. You can bet your money that on Day 31 when the experiment is officially over, you'll find me binge eating milkshakes all day.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 13: Vegan Prayer

I went to church today for the first time in who knows how long. I prayed for the Lord to take away all the food that I couldn't eat, and give it to all the starving kids in third-world countries so they could get all nice and fat.

But I don't think God listened to my prayer. While working at the Obama phone bank today, my volunteer leaders went out and bought several pepperoni pizzas for everyone.

And I couldn't eat any of it.

Why, Lord? Why do you like to torture me so much? Is this payback for cracking on your lousy bread recipe from Ezekiel 4:9? Look, I apologize if you were offended, but honestly, have you tasted that stuff? It's blander than a stack of rice cakes. All I'm asking for is a little flavor, Lord. Is that a sin?

The Vegan Diaries, Day 12: Restaurant Paranoia

I was down in Sacramento today to participate in training at Camp Obama. With a name like Camp Obama, I figured there'd be a campfire there where we'd roast marshmallows and tell spooky stories about Hillary Clinton. Nope... it was all about learning how to be a sleazy telemarketer and remind voters to show up to their primaries/caucuses. Suddenly, grass roots campaigning isn't as exciting as I had originally imagined.

I knew I'd be in a sticky situation around lunch time when my group of fellow volunteers would find a place to eat, so I brought a backpack filled with vegan provisions. I figured they'd probably stop at some fast food joint and I could just bring in my food. Wrong again. They wanted to eat at a nice restaurant in Sacramento, so on the walk over to Cafe Bernardo's, I was really starting to panic. Oh dear Lord, please let there be something I can eat so I don't look like a social outcast. Oh please oh please oh please!

When I got inside, I started looking at the overhead menu, and I really started sweating. Everything had cheese in it! Or meat! I couldn't escape them! Even all the salads had cheese on them! Oh no! What was I going to do? But I finally found one item on the list that made me sigh relief: tofu scramble. It didn't sound very appealing, but it was the only choice I had. Tofu scramble it was.

I'm suddenly realizing that no matter what you do with tofu, it still tastes like nothing. My tofu scramble had the appearance of scrambled eggs when it came out to me, and in my brain, I was expecting the taste of some scrumptious eggs. But it was nowhere close to being eggs. It was a plate of scrambled nothing, with onions and bell peppers mixed into it. If it wasn't for the side of browned potatoes, I'd be hurting. But once again, my old friend ketchup came to the rescue. Yes sir. When all else fails, load on the ketchup.

So, happily, my vegan cover wasn't blown at the restaurant, and I didn't become the social outcast that I had feared. Crisis averted! But then during the ride home, one lady kept offering me some string cheese to eat, and I looked at her in horror like she was some coke dealer on the street. Aaaaah! Just say no! Just say no! Where are you, Nancy Reagan, when I need you?

The Vegan Diaries, Day 11: Leftovers...and Over...and Over

Today I realized that my refrigerator was suddenly filled with too many leftovers from past vegan experiments, so I had to do some house cleaning. So for lunch, it was stir fry and rice, and for dinner it was shepherd's pie. I found out that if I add enough ketchup, this shepherd's pie is actually quite outstanding!

As I've mentioned in previous postings, cooking vegan takes extra time out of your day. But if you cook a whole bunch of food on a Saturday or Sunday, you can have leftovers to last you the entire work week, thus saving you time. Just like working out at the gym, if you want to be successful as a vegan, you need to establish a schedule so you get in the routine of cooking healthy food on a weekly basis. And once you're in the vegan groove, it's really not that hard to maintain.

For breakfast this morning, I did try out a new cereal. This one's made by Kashi, and it has these two multi-ethnic women smiling happily on the front. I mean, they are REALLY smiling, and their teeth are so pearly white that I can only assume that this cereal must contain heavy doses of fluoride. The cereal is called "Good Friends," but with smiles that happy, I'm thinking that these women are a little more than just "good friends," if you know what I mean. I'm surprised one of them isn't smoking away lustfully on a cigarette. They SURELY can't be beaming happy over the fact that this cereal contains "nearly 33% of your daily FIBER needs." If they are, then they truly need to seek some therapy.

I've also started drinking decaffeinated tea right before I go to bed, which is something else I've never done before. I really don't know if this helps health wise, but I always figured it'd be something different to try out. When I was over in Italy, I would have tea in the evenings with some of the British girls I met. They turned it into a social occasion and really talked the trash about people. British girls have some of the filthiest mouths I've ever heard... they could make an entire battleship of sailors blush. But I love 'em for it.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 10: Hunger Pangs

One thing I didn't anticipate by the switch to veganism is the constant state of hunger I'd be in. Even though I'm eating the same volume of food I always have, I'm noticing that it's not enough to keep me full. I'm having to supplement my meals with more in-between snacks, such as carrots or celery or whatever vegan-friendly food I can find around the house. If I don't eat more, I'm afraid I'll waste away to nothing. When you're someone like me who already has the body type of a string bean, you can't afford to lose weight. Shoot... within a week, I've already had to ratchet up my belt another notch to keep my pants on. I better watch myself or I'll start turning into that kid from "Into the Wild."

Quite frankly, I don't understand how people can be having weight problems. If you want to lose weight, go vegan. I don't know too many fat vegans out there.

Today I tried some new recipes out. For breakfast, I made my own oatmeal using rolled oats I got out of the bulk foods dispenser at the store and then added brown sugar and the infamous raisins to it. Not too shabby for taking out the Quaker Oats middleman. In your face, Quaker Man! Then for dinner, I made shepherd's pie for the first time ever using real potatoes, real vegetables, and real fake meat and gravy. Vegetarian gravy... now that's an oxymoron if I ever saw one. Personally, it didn't taste quite like the shepherd's pies I've had in the past. Maybe if I wore a kilt and played bagpipes it would taste better. It couldn't hurt.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 9: Supermarket Shock

Ever since I began this crazy journey into veganism, my trips to the local supermarkets have been unsettling. It feels similar to having culture shock after you've been away for a few years working in a foreign country. Over the past nine days, I've grown accustomed to eating more whole foods and little to no processed foods. So now when I enter a regular supermarket, I about have a heart attack.

Instead of seeing food, I'm now seeing aisles upon aisles of unhealthy crap all around me. For example, right as I entered the supermarket today, a table of doughnuts and cakes was positioned strategically at the front door. Has this always been there and I'm just now noticing it? As I walked around the perimeter of the store, the bright colored packages were screaming their nasty Frankenfoods at me. Beefaroni! Twinkies! Tombstone Pizza! Ughh! What has become of me? I used to like this junk. Now I can't even dare to look at it.

Searching for healthy food that DOES exist at a regular supermarket has now become a chore, like finding a needle in a haystack. You start realizing how many meat and dairy products there really are at the store, and it's like walking into a house of horrors. Even aisles you think are safe, like the ones containing soup, are haunted by chicken or beef stock, so you're stuck getting tomato soup and that's it. My only places of salvation at the supermarket are now in the produce section and the bulk foods aisle. If you're a vegan, you live off of the bulk foods section. You can dispense anything from peanuts, to grits, to rolled oats, to spices, to even peanut butter. Today's big score was finding the dried mango barrel. Mmmmm... dried mango!

As a vegan-in-training, the most disturbing part for me about the supermarket experience happens at the end, when you're waiting in line to pay for your groceries. You look all around you, and the enormous people have piled their shopping carts to the hilt with junk food and garbage, while you're standing there with your tiny cloth bag containing a few cans of beans, a bag of pita bread and some fresh vegetables. If supermarkets are any indicator of the general health of Americans, then it's not looking too good for us.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 8: A Very Unexciting Day

I hate to disappoint you all, but nothing exciting happened in the world of veganism today. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. However, I did try a new box of soy milk out today, called "Soy Dream." I don't know about you, but I sure as hell don't dream about soy. And I surely don't dream about this particular brand of soy milk. Tasted like bitter vitamin pills dissolved in water. Makes the Trader Joes' brand taste like pure euphoria.

I also tried my hand at making guacamole today. It was subpar at best... didn't have much of a kick to it. But then again, I didn't really read the recipe and just started throwing stuff into the blender that I figured ought to be in guacamole. If you have any good guacamole recipes, pass them my way, because I'm sure I'll be making this stuff quite a bit in the coming weeks. When your state grows a ton of avocados, you've got to do something with them.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 7: Taste Management

As I have mentioned in previous posts, there’s some drawbacks to the vegan lifestyle. First, it requires a lot of planning on your part. Like someone going through Weight Watchers, you’ve now got to sit down, plan your meals out several days in advance, and then generate a mega-list of ingredients to go locate at five different supermarkets around town. Then you’ll spend even more time in the kitchen since you’re practically making everything from scratch. And with more homemade food comes more dishes to wash, so by the time you’re done with that, you suddenly realize that the day is over, and you’re still hungry.

However, despite these small setbacks, there are some real advantages of going vegan. The one I’ve discovered recently is that food just tastes better for some reason. In the past, I never added much to the food I was eating, since most of it was premade in some capacity. But now I don’t have a choice… I have to add flavorings and spices to what I’m eating, or else everything will taste like soy. I feel like I’m now a mad scientist in his lab, dabbling with sauces and onions and garlic and what-not, trying to bring his food to life.

Sometimes I have misses. Like yesterday—I tried adding soy sauce to tofu, but it didn’t seem to improve it at all. But now that I think about it, I was just adding soy… to soy. No wonder it tasted like nothing.

But then I have moments where what I’m making is to die for. Like my hummus… outstanding! Or the olive oil and balsamic vinegar I use with my sour batard bread… oh yeah! When you know that you’re making something that’s going to taste great, the amount of time it takes to make it doesn’t really matter anymore. It actually becomes a fun process that you look forward to, and you enjoy your food more, because you made it yourself.

Today’s Vegan Scorecard:
Breakfast: Organic granola and (can you guess?) soy milk. Also had a half banana I found sitting around getting black.
Lunch: Peanut butter and ligonberry preserves on toast, along with a banana and orange and celery sticks. The bread I used was called Ezekiel 4:9… a holy wholey grain bread, you could say. If you look up Ezekiel 4:9 in the Bible, God gives a recipe for making bread. No disrespect, God, but eating your bread is like chewing on a crunchy sponge.
Dinner: Apple butternut soup, salad with red curry sauce, and sour batard bread. Man, I missed bread this past week. Glad to have you back again.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 6: Lost in Translation

Veganism requires a lot of effort. It’s not as bad as training for a marathon, but it still requires you to devote a lot more time and thought to something you so often take for granted.

When I was traveling in Europe this summer, I spent the night in the apartment of a French student who had just become a vegan. He told me veganism was something you couldn’t just do overnight…you had to slowly ease into it, because it was quite involved. Well, I personally thought he was full of crap. If you want to go vegan, just give up all animal products cold turkey (or “cold tofurky” as the vegans would say). How hard could it possibly be?

Well, let me just say that the French kid knew what he was talking about.

When you switch over to veganism, you become a neurotic label-reading maniac. Every piece of food in front of you is now a novel to devour, and you read its packaging intensely, hoping that the villains called meat, milk and eggs don’t rear their ugly heads. It really does turn the food buying experience an emotional drag. No longer do you just blindly throw a package of food into your cart because it has pretty packaging. As a vegan, you now have to know the entire back story behind your food—who grew it, where it was made, and what's inside of it. And it can get pretty complicated.

For example, I gave up bread this past week since I thought it was “forbidden” due to eggs or yeast used to make it. Instead, I limited myself to the non-rising breads, like tortillas and pita bread, because I thought that’s what vegans did. Then I checked out a book yesterday from the library called “Vegan Cooking for Health," and lo and behold, the lady mentions how vegans love eating bagels and toast for breakfast. Bagels and toast??? Wait now! I thought those were off-limits! So I rushed over to the supermarket today, checked out the labels on bagels and sourdough bread, and sure enough, there’s no meat, milk or eggs in them! Oh, it was like the clouds parted and the angels came out and sang.

But then my eyes zoomed in on a word I hadn’t thought about before: honey. Crap! Is that forbidden? Do vegans really carry the whole animal thing this far into the insect realm and worry about the emotional state of bees making honey? Aghhh! Where’s a vegan hotline when you need one?

And then it gets even more complicated when you read below the Nutrition Fact label and it says, “Made on equipment shared with milk, egg and soy.” So… is the food OK for vegans, or is it now off-limits due to the remote chance that tiny subatomic particles of animal byproducts are floating around it? Mercy… why can’t they just make this easy for clueless folks like me and just put a big letter “V” on the package?

I’m under the impression that there’s probably several levels of veganism out there, and depending on how obsessive and nutty you really want to get, it could literally go on forever. Do I become a “chickentarian” and give up all meat except for chicken, or do I only eat plants that are grown locally and ban everything else? Like ice cream at a Baskin Robbins, veganism has its 31 flavors, so you have to pick the flavor you like best and just stick with it.

Brian’s Vegan Scorecard:
Breakfast: Weetabix topped with fruit and soy milk again. I’m starting to love this Weetabix! Sounds like it could be a cool name for a band.
Lunch: Tomato soup w/ soy milk added; peas; pita bread with hummus. Man, this hummus just won’t go away.
Dinner: Toasted sourdough bread, rice and stir fry. I added tofu cubes to the stir fry. It’s my first time ever using tofu, and it tastes like absolutely nothing. I don’t get it.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 5: Vegan's Dilemma

Let me be the first to admit it: I wasn’t the nicest of omnivores.

Back in the day, I used to ridicule vegans and vegetarians for being freaks when it came to eating. Their strict rules for food consumption seemed absolutely idiotic to me. I felt like half the reason people went vegan/vegetarian was to get attention they weren’t normally getting in their daily lives. You’d try to go to a nice restaurant with a group of friends, and some vegan/vegetarian in the group would always have to make things difficult by saying they couldn’t eat anything on the menu except a piece of lettuce… or a hamburger without the hamburger. It got pretty annoying to hear, and you wished these picky eaters would just go along with the group already and stop trying to be so friggin’ different.

And oh, the guilt trips that it would give you. Here you’d be, trying to enjoy your tasty one-foot high Carl’s Jr. Monster burger by shoving that greasy, gloppy mess into your mouth like a glutton, and your veg friend here would be picking away at a plate of French fries all quiet and humble. You felt as if you friend was some starving kid from Ethiopia, and here you were stealing all the food away from her/him. So you’d feel like crap, and you couldn’t enjoy that burger you had been waiting all week to devour. It sucked.

So here I am now, on the other side of the fence, playing for Team Veg. And I can now say that I understand what it feels like to be in a vegan’s shoes (non-leather, of course). Last night, my housemate invited me to stay at his parents’ home since our house was without electricity and heat. His parents were so nice to me, but they kept offering me foods containing meat and dairy ingredients, and I had to politely decline every time. They looked at me like I was some freak, and I felt so bad for putting them in this awkward position. I just crawled off to the guest bedroom and ate my bag of raisins all alone.

So now I finally understand. Veganism isn’t about trying to get attention. Quite frankly, most vegans would prefer no attention at all if it was possible. Veganism is definitely more of a spiritual thing… a belief system that some people hold very strongly like a religion. And it’s definitely something that vegan/vegetarians shouldn’t be ashamed of, and omnivores/carnivores should be more accepting of.

All right…now for today’s list of vegan foods consumed:

For breakfast, I was pretty much screwed since my host parents’ home was basically the Hickory Farms sausage and cheese wagon at the mall. So I ate an orange, an apple and some peanut butter. Then for lunch, I was back at my cold, non-electrified house, eating anything I could scrounge up: granola, hummus, orange juice, etc. I finally broke down, pulled out the Weber grill, threw in some dry campfire wood from the trunk of my car, and heated up a pot of Trader Joe's Butternut Apple Soup and some veggie hot dogs made by Morningstar. Surprisingly, these veggie dogs actually DID taste like regular hot dogs. But if you had blindfolded me, I would have probably told you that I was chewing on a bicycle tire.

For dinner, I lit up the Weber again and threw on some leftover rice and two Boca Burgers. They smelled and tasted pretty close to the real thing. Since I couldn't use standard hamburger buns, I used pita bread instead and stacked onions, ketchup, mustard, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes inside my fake hamburgers. Mmmm mmmmm!!! Tasty! It was food improvisation at its finest, and I for once was proud to be an honorary vegan.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 4: Black Friday

I awoke to a rather unusual surprise this morning. At about 8:30 am, the power suddenly went out in my house, right as a nasty storm was blowing through northern California. My housemates and I looked outside to see if we were the only ones in the neighborhood affected, and it was pretty clear that the entire surrounding area was without electricity.

It was my first California rolling blackout! How exciting!

I was originally going to have a nice heaping bowl of high fiber, naturally organic Super Colon Blow with soy milk to start my day, but we all decided not to open the refrigerator. We didn’t know how long this blackout was going to last, and we wanted to keep the fridge as cool inside as possible. So, we all made an executive decision to go venturing out into the raging storm and find a greasy spoon in Chico to satisfy our taste buds. I was salivating at the thought of eating a big plate of hash browns just sopping with ketchup. Boy, oh boy! This day was really starting to shape up!

But the culinary gods were not on my side this morning. As we drove throughout town, we noticed that all our breakfast nooks were closed and without power. Every now and then, we’d find a pocket of businesses that had somehow avoided the mass blackout, but pretty much anything even associated with breakfast was shut down for good.

Bye bye hash browns.

It was at that moment that we suddenly discovered a Starbucks that was open, so we drove towards it with great anticipation. Unfortunately, everyone else in town had the same idea that we did, and within minutes, Starbucks became a scene of mass hysteria. Bodies upon bodies were crammed into the tiny little coffee house, fighting each other to get their caffeine fix. I feared for my life, so I skipped this Starbucks death trap, went over next door to Jamba Juice and had a Peach Perfection all-fruit drink instead. Ah, Jamba Juice… my fruity vegan friend during times of crisis.

There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a place like Chico during a blackout. We ended up going to Target to buy some clothes, but got kicked out when their power went down. So we then went to Costco to waste some time. My housemates indulged in the many free food samples—all made from animal products—that Costco hands out like gateway drugs to get shoppers hooked on their stuff. My housemates then started gorging themselves on two huge kosher hot dogs that they bought for lunch.

I bought a bag of raisins.

Once I got home, I violated the ban on the refrigerator by pulling out my hummus and eating that along with an orange and half of a pomegranate. I then spent my afternoon reading a book about beans. There’s all kinds of beans: lima beans, split pea beans, lentil beans, navy beans, black beans, red beans, garbanzo beans, soybean beans... as I said earlier, when there’s a blackout going on in Chico, there’s not a lot to do.

The power still didn’t return this evening, so for dinner, I had to resort to eating peanut butter, apples and celery by candlelight. And by golly, it was the most romantic peanut butter, apples and celery eating experience I have ever had.

The Vegan Diaries, Day 3: Gas Attack

I had heard through word of mouth that this might eventually be a problem, but I never thought anything of it. Until now.

Dear Lord! Why am I passing gas so much? Somebody make it stop! Aaaghh!

Let's just say that I about killed myself off in bed last night due to some unplanned gas attacks. Too bad I didn't have a generator handy, because there was enough methane created in that room to power an entire city for days. Oh, I couldn't believe what my body was doing to me here! I was putting healthy foods into my body, and what was coming out of my body was anything but healthy. Personally, I don't know how vegans ever get married with all the flatulence that their bodies produce. All I know is that, if I ever want to get a girlfriend, then I have to go back to meat or else she better get some heavy duty nose clips.

Now that I think about it, with all the soy and beans I've been eating lately, it's no wonder my life has suddenly turned into a scene from "Blazin' Saddles." The packages of health food never even bother to mention this side effect from eating their stuff. This is the dirty, dark side to veganism that they never want you to know about. The elimination of milk, eggs and meat from my diet is easy. The smell... oh God, now that's the real challenge. I think I better invest in a month's supply of Beano.

Today's foray into veganism began with a healthy bowl of organic Weetabix cereal complete with (surprise) soy milk! I approached this box of Weetabix with caution. It's a British product, and I don't trust their food. Ever since I lived with a British roommate in Chicago, I've learned that British food does not appeal to the American palate. If you doubt me, give Marmite a try. Then you'll understand.

Anyway, I pulled out two wafers of Weetabix, placed them in the bowl, and then piled a ton of banana slices and blackberries upon it to cover up whatever nasty British taste was about to enter my mouth. I've never seen a cereal disintegrate as quickly before my eyes as Weetabix. Within a minute, my bowl looked like a brown slurry of paper pulp. But looks can be deceiving. Surprisingly, this Weetabix cereal actually tasted good! If you added yogurt to it, it would taste even better. Oh, damn me for not being able to eat yogurt!

For lunch, I took the beans and rice from the previous night, combined them with tomatoes and guacamole I made from a fresh avocado, and put it into a burrito wrap to eat. It tasted great, but my burrito kept having a wardrobe malfunction. Within minutes, my pretty burrito was a tangled mess of leaky beans and rice innards spilling out everywhere (Note to self: a job at Chipotle is not within my future). In addition to the burrito, I took the leafy green stems from sugar beets and steamed them over the stove, and then ate them with vinegar. It wasn't too bad... it tasted an awfully lot like beets and spinach combined.

Luckily for dinner, I was off the hook for cooking. My friend Jennifer invited me to her place and cooked vegan tortillas using a meat substitute made by Yves. And yves, it was very tasty. I also had salad and wine, and took a drink every time the word "Change" was said on TV while watching the returns from the Iowa caucus. After Obama finally gave his victory speech, I was pretty much toast.

Iowa Caucus Fun Fact: Did you know that Dennis Kucinich is a vegan? He sure is! Which makes me wonder if I should jump off this vegan bandwagon starting first thing tomorrow.

The Vegan Diaries: Day 2

Well, it was only a matter of time before I figured out what my body was hooked on.

And that would be sweets.

Oh, I'm craving sweets right now. Chocolate, soft drinks, Pop Tarts... all those processed sugars. I wasn't expecting this. I mean, it's only been two days now, and yet I can sense my urge to down a Coke or cram a bag of chocolate chips down my throat. It hasn't gotten to the point where I'm shaking uncontrollably like a smoker going through withdrawal, but I can feel it missing from my routine. I wonder if they have Sugar Patches for people in my situation.

This morning I tried a different cereal with my liquid soy. It was Organic Hemp Plus Granola, brought to me courtesy of the fine folks at Nature's Path. Talk about tasty stuff, this hemp. I could eat it all day. I'm still wondering what the "Plus" part of this cereal is all about... as if "Hemp" wasn't enough to get you to buy this product. If you look at the back of the box, though, it states in bold letters that "Hemp is not marijuana." Oh, great. Now you tell me. I was expecting to have the happiest breakfast of my life here. Now I'm just stuck reading your boring wordy box, telling me multiple times that I won't get high eating this stuff. It's like reading a medical journal on the back of the box.

Which brings me to this simple observation about health products in general: If it has a lot of unpronounceable words printed on the package, it must be healthy. The more words, the healthier. Check out Dr. Bronner's products if you ever get the chance, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

After spending some time online today trying to figure out what vegans actually eat, I made several runs to grocery stores to stock up on supplies. For lunch, I made my very own hummus by blending together garbanzo beans, sesame seeds, garlic, olive oil, red pepper, paprika, and lemon juice from a lemon I picked fresh outside my house (doesn't get any more organic than that). We had a taste test today, comparing Trader Joe's brand hummus to my hummus. Studies showed that 3 out of 3 people preferred my hummus for its "zinginess." Not bad for a guy who didn't even know what hummus was prior to today.

For dinner, I had a salad along with an old vegan staple: beans and rice. I couldn't help but remember that PSA called Beans and Rice from the early 80s that I watched on TV every Saturday morning as a kid. Shoot... I probably saw that cartoon over 200 times. The jingle has been brainwashed permanently into my head. And strangely enough, this is the first time outside of New Orleans that I've actually eaten beans and rice. Who knew that Saturday morning television was trying to turn kids vegan?

The Vegan Diaries: Day 1

I woke up with a sense of dread today, knowing what I was about to face for the next 31 days.

No milk.

I always have milk in the morning with my cereal. It's a lifetime tradition for me. Always cereal, and always with milk. Well, today was the reality check on whether or not I was serious about really doing this vegan thing. So unwillingly, I got out my box of high fiber Trader Joe's Organic O's, poured it into a bowl, and then doused it with Trader Joe's Organic Vanilla Soy Milk.

Soy milk. I can't believe I'm drinking soy milk. And how do you milk soy anyway? It just doesn't seem right. A few weeks ago, I finally switched over to organic milk, which was a struggle in itself due to the $6 price tag for just a gallon of the stuff. I was pretty proud of myself for finally switching, and I figured I'd never have to worry about the milk dilemma again.

How wrong I was. Now, staring at me from my bowl of cereal was this "faux" milk that I had to drink. On top of that, it came out of one of those Tetrapak cartons. I had to suffer all summer in Europe drinking warm milk out of a box. I didn't like it one bit. Ugh. Not milk in a box AGAIN. So, with reservations, I ate my cereal and soy milk... and to be honest, it really wasn't that bad. I think the vanilla flavor helps disguise the gag taste of regular soy milk. I envisioned soy milk as tasting like sour wash rags, so I was pleasantly surprised with the results this morning. Looks like I may make it through breakfast after all this month.

Since today was New Year's, most of the natural food stores in town were closed, so I was stuck eating whatever I could find around the house. I typically have a sandwich for lunch, but since that involves bread which uses eggs and milk, I was screwed. I couldn't eat my yogurt, either, which I always have for lunch. Dang. No sandwich. No yogurt. This wasn't looking good at all. And I was so hungry.

I finally found a banana and an orange and devoured them on the spot. I also scrounged around in the freezer and found two Gardenburger Meatless Breakfast Sausage patties. They're made from that TVP stuff... Texturized Vegetable Protein is what they call it. I envisioned a nice tasty Jimmy Dean sausage patty when I first bit into one of these hockey pucks, but it came out tasting more like chewing on that shredded rubber stuff you find below your feet at children's playgrounds. If you look on the Gardenburger box, it's happily emblazoned with the words "Eat Positive," "Heart Positive," and "Sizzlin' Soy"! But I have to say, I couldn't find anything remotely "sizzlin'" about this product, and my heart's positive that these things suck.

After such a disastrous lunch, I was sweating what I would do for dinner. But luckily, I realized that one of my food staples--spaghetti and tomato sauce--was in the clear vegan-wise. Oh, thank you Lord! I consumed my spaghetti meal with some broccoli covered in a vegan butter substitute. This "Natural Buttery Spread" by Earth Balance is pretty tasty stuff. I can't believe it's not butter! I also can't believe everything else it's not: "Non-Hydrogentated," "Non-GMO," "Trans Fat Free," "Lactose Free," "Gluten Free." With all the text they plaster over the tub, it's quite frankly the ugliest package I've ever seen. The only picture on it is Leonardo da Vinci's naked man doing jumping jacks, and that's the last thing I want to see when I buy food at the store. Where are those happy cow pictures when I need them?